Chapter 127 - Fall from Grace

She fell. Yesterday. Well, just collapsed to the floor really. A neighbour at the rear came knocking on the back door. She rose from her favourite chair to collect some magazines for the neighbour. She walked no more than half a dozen steps, returned with the magazines, handed them to the neighbour then just fell down in front of me. I said "Shit" while spilling salad from my meal tray (we had just started our evening meal in front of the TV). The neighbour began apologising, asking whether she could help (she's in her 80's). She was a heap on the floor, apparently unharmed, so I straightened her legs so that she could sit then drew her hands upwards until she was standing. I know an ambulance person advised against this but I had gone into automatic mode. The neighbour left once she was re-seated in her favourite chair. Later she said there was a tender spot on her right calf (the left leg suffered in a fall several years ago) and her bum was a little sore. We are both very & extra cautious now.

Over Easter we had her 2nd cousin & wife as guests, a holiday at home for us. Last Friday we visited old friends near Steel City and she was not impacted by the travelling. There have been no further lace embroidery activities.

Chapter 126 - A Meaningless Benchmark

I had mentioned to someone (ACAT team?) that her ability to shower and dress was a useful indicator of her progress. Yet for quite a few weeks now she no longer surprises me when I find her showered, dressed and breakfasted without my help. Except occasionally for the odd bra clip. I would need to go back through my note books to find when I last dried her.

Today is different. She called through the 7am gloom to help her untangle. She said through tears that she had not slept all night. She had taken a CR at 2am (some time ago she resumed taking that dose), some Panamax at 3:30am and a CR & an Inderal at 6am (I heard the alarm but dozed off) yet her shaking had not allowed her to sleep. So at 7am I tried to make her comfortable, but failed. She decided within a short time to shower, thinking that may help, so she called me on the CB at 8:20am. I needed to help her undress in the bathroom. She asked me to stay close by while she showered. Out of the shower she called for help. I had her grasp the fireman's pole in front of the toilet so that she stood almost vertically rather than bent horizontally from her middle, dried her, then helped her back into the bedroom where we dressed her in clean underwear & her nightie. She changed her mind about returning to bed to sleep, the shakes had not eased, so she sat in her favourite chair, I brought her breakfast & switched on the TV. At 9am she called for me to break a couple of Panamax for her to take. She has not mentioned any pain.

Over the last week our lives have been average. We take a short walk around the village most evenings. Early Sunday morning she had intense pain in the "bone" of her lower right leg; we were to meet some business friends passing up the highway for coffee, I went on my own. For several days the air conditioning has been running during the day in an attempt to alleviate her "sweats" aggravated by the unusual hot weather. We attended our local PD group last Thursday & lunched at the Workers afterwards. On Saturday she did 3 loads of washing although of course she did not put it on the line or bring it in. Some sense of achievement in the chore. She has been searching on line for more lace embroideries to do, yet she has not stitched anything more yet. She has had some long phone conversations with an MS friend whose husband has heart/stroke problems needing attention. We aren't too badly off.

So how is she really? Well, take samples of anything I have described going back to whenever, mix the samples in various combinations, and you have her status. Except she sits too much. She is still doing her weekly puzzle magazines; if her interest wains there I will be most concerned.

Often when asked by some of the "oldies" in our village about her condition and I mention, sleeplessness, etc, they reply "Oh, I often have that problem etc etc" going off into a litany of stuff I don't need to know. One of these days I hope I don't say "You don't know shit".

Chapter 125 - Passiveness

I suspect she has become more passive, although no one else has made comment. In comparison, I realise I am becoming more verbose when in contact with others; perhaps I have always been so, I wonder whether I am compensating. But she sits in her chair quietly. I wonder whether others still consider her face animated.

Her caring specialist physician was not concerned about the damaged blood vessel in her thumb when he saw it on Thursday. He understood what it was, maybe he had personally experienced a sharp sting in a finger then a spreading stain of blue, whereas other doctors seemed not to understand when she had mentioned it to them. Anyway, there seems no need to be concerned. I was tempted to ask whether the same can happen elsewhere in the body. As usual, she attended the podiatrist the day before to have her toes "done" to avoid having the caring specialist physician attack them.

The 9 segments of the lace doily were completed on Thursday amid much concern that she had not enough time to complete this birthday present by Sunday. She persevered, tacked the segments together, soaked them to remove the soluble stabiliser and after drying began hand stitching them together. Tortuously slowly. Two days work. She thought she would not complete the work in time for Sunday. But she did. We are both proud of her effort. I wonder whether she will attempt more - I really hope so. She hand sewed until unable to control her legs, then rested, then began again. Repeatedly.

On Sunday we birthday lunched with our friends at a restaurant in a small highway by-passed town, more a village, half-way to Hot Air City. An old coach house place, low ceilings, white washed un-flat, non-vertical walls. Looks as if collapse is imminent yet defied by having stood so long. Great food, service, a "we must come here again" place. Somewhere around the sweets course her tremors began, quite strongly; her legs were restricted by a table leg. I pulled her chair back so that she could stretch her legs a little. Then quite quickly her problems subsided. We were there a little over two hours, she had her 2pm pills just before we left for home. We then spent another two hours at our friends' place sampling some recently preserved figs in pastry over blue vein cheese. A perfect finish for a beautiful day. I was surprised that she seemed to suffer no after effects.

This morning she plans to return to KYB. They are relocating to another hall that may be more comfortable to all concerned.

UPDATE She was crying in her chair when I came out of the bathroom, dressed & shoed ready to take her to KYB. "I'm a mental case" she sobbed. I attempted to reassure her, that she had had a couple of stressed & cramped experiences at the meeting. She fears she has developed a phobia, which may be the case after several uncomfortable experiences. I assured her she has coped well with the lace making & Sunday's lunch, that yesterday Monday she was quite well. If only she was willing to call me to help her out of the meetings once she became uncomfortable but she hates drawing attention to herself. She says none of the ladies are capable of helping her stand so that she can walk about a bit to relieve the stress, that's all she needs to do. She needs company other than mine & the TV.

Chapter 124 - Wake in Fright

My body was rigid, my eyes wide open, in the dark, before the scream ended. Well, perhaps not a scream as much as the battle cry of a red Indian in an old cowboy movie. Sort of a yodel, a trilling. But very damned loud. I touched my bed side lamp and lay there in its soft light waiting for the next scream. It didn't come, yet I was scared to lay in darkness again. I was beginning to doze when the light disturbed her and she asked "Why is the light on?" "Because you yelled so loud you scared hell out of me!" "I did not, I would have woken myself". I turned off the light, returned to sleep.

Tuesday last week was a repeat of the previous Tuesday's KYB meeting, except that they had relocated to the foyer of the church so that a new member could attend in her motorised wheelchair. Even though several ladies were away, the seating space was too cramped, she could not extend her legs which were stiff and needed to be stretched and her tremors would not stop. I really do wish she would assert herself & tell people when her condition requires her to stand or move around, rather than suffer in silence. I stayed in the truck reading until she called me on the CB an hour & three quarters later. As we left she said she will not attend next week (which was yesterday now). On Monday night she looked at the notes & questions & told me that the lesson was a piece of cake. However, she didn't do the questions or attend on Tuesday. I don't think she told the woman down the street when she phoned the reason for her non-attendance.

I won't describe in detail the events of the last 2 weeks. Her tremors are not easing off as much as they used to (how can a measure be placed on tremors when they are not just outside but inside?), she has been taking Panamax more often, one morning she used the TENS 3 times one after the other for lower back pain because she had been in one position in bed for too long, she more frequently comments that her balance is "off" and most days she will sleep for part of the afternoon. But what is of greater concern to me is seeing her sitting in her chair, looking aged & depressed, tired & disinterested in ordinary activities. What I see as more of the "Parkie" look. Once again we have taken to walking the village in the cool of the evening. A friend who came out of his house to speak to us a couple of evenings ago told me today that he was shocked to see her as she was that evening. Perhaps I can't see the trees for the wood, what do others see I wonder?

She is fighting her difficulties to make some more lace, this time for a birthday gift for a friend. Next Sunday, another 7 pieces to go. I hope it turns out well, for the sake of her confidence.

A couple of days ago she expressed interest in taking a short trip in the van. Sodding routine commitments will keep us stationary for another month at least, so I must plan & commit us to a trip a few km's up the road to a pretty little town where we may spend a week at least.

She just came to the door of my dungeon to say "I'm falling apart" as she held out the thumb on her left hand, the ball of which was stained as if it had been dipped in blue ink then washed. The thumb was swollen, the skin tight. "What happened?" I asked, imagining that something had happened at the embroidery machine. She had been breaking Panamax tablets (they have a groove to make this easy) with her fingers in preparation for when she may need some, as she is unable to swallow them whole. She bruises too easily, I worry.