Chapter 544 - A New Decade
So what?, another invisible boundary passed, man made time ticks away. I once wondered how individuals on Death Row in that so-called Land of the Free, especially those who were actually innocent, counted off their days waiting for a Tomorrow, the final one, that never came. This year I will cross the line into my 9th decade. I wonder how I will exit, under my own power or in a puff of smoke? You, the reader, may shake your head and say I'm showing signs of depression to think such thoughts, let alone write them for the world to see.
A few days ago I returned from checking our mail box to find her disembowelling the large Peace Lily near our back door. Grabbing the wheel chair handles, I pulled the wheel chair backwards. Hanging onto the soil filled pot, she slipped out of the wheel chair onto the floor. She was not hurt and I felt a fool. Then I cleaned the floor of soil and pieces of lily. A portion of the lily now droops. Remembering the time I shook the wheel chair, frightening both her and myself, when I went to see the GP a few days ago to have my ears flushed out, I asked for a referral with an ongoing plan to regularly visit the clinical psychologist again this year. Without telling me why, the GP began asking me questions about being sad, depressed etc and my answers must have been confused until I realised he was giving me the once over to complete a form to justify him preparing the plan and when I checked the document later I think he has made me seem worse than I am. I don't mind, unless they lock me up, for the psychologist is the only person I speak to who doesn't refer to his own personal issues with interruptions about his own experiences (and of course I realise that he is "hired" not to interrupt in that way). And the outcome of these hourly appointments filled with my talking is a sense of relief and release on my part.
Why is Xmas so sad? For me anyway. I have little memory of actual Xmas days, only family events and some best forgotten, that happened in summer time. The one that always pops into my mind, and it may not even have been at Xmas, although the weather was hot, was winning a foot race at a Sunday School picnic behind the Lutheran church we attended after we escaped to Jindera. As a prize I was given a large blue handkerchief with a large blue square in its centre. I treasured that piece of fabric for years. for it was mine, identifiably mine, as well as the first handkerchief I had ever owned, for as kids we only ever wiped our snot onto squares of rag. This year we initiated no Xmas card mailings, responded with online cards (which we pay a subscription for) where possible and some that arrived without return addresses may not have been responded to, if I was unable to find an address easily enough.
New Year's Eve we went to bed early. Memories recalled of waiting tensed as Y2K rolled across NZ, then the east coast before it reached us on the west coast and I was relieved to be able to phone the public servant yobo I reported to that I had seen no reports of problems with DEC hardware or software. Twenty long years ago. On this New Year I learned that someone was disinterested in accepting responsibility for the care of my genealogy pursuits that I began way back in 1972. The fate of both online and offline records, quite a number of relevant books, certificates and notes are of concern to me for I fear the lot will be tipped into a dumpster.
Following our emergency on Xmas Day I decided on Friday 27th to increase her over night flow rate from 3.0 to 3.5 assuming that will reduce her "sleepiness" at 0730. Such a night rate seemed to cause wakefulness and dyskinesias during the night so at 0100 on 31st December I reduced the rate to 3.2 and this night rate has been maintained since then.
She is often drenched in sweat. One morning 3 nighties, the one worn over night, a replacement when replacing the duodopa cassette about 0630, and another when placed on the commode about 0730 all went into the washing basket. She still has to be encouraged to drink more fluids, and when she sweats a lot I pester her to drink a litre with two Hydralyte tablets. And she often eats ice blocks. Chewing and swallowing problems continue. She usually has several glasses of "smoothie" on most days, and into these I include a small tub of yoghurt and 3-4 scoops of Sustagen. Evening meals are usually frozen cottage pie meals from which she picks out peas, carrots and anything that may seem "lumpy" to her. Last night a slice of salmon (not grilled too firmly), grilled tomato and mashed spud was eaten readily. Last Friday only one small slice of a thin chicken pizza was eaten with difficulty.
A few weeks ago my right ear was too clogged for a scheduled hearing test. Last Wednesday both rears flushed and my left ear is infected again. Antibiotic drops, cancel hearing the test on Thursday and make another appointment. A "bump" on my left hand has been frozen.We all fall apart in different ways.
At 1028 my weather station says our outside temperature just clicked over 30 Celsius. I keep wondering when our turn will come with the fires.
I'm sure there are other scribbles from my notebook I should record here but enough is enough.
A few days ago I returned from checking our mail box to find her disembowelling the large Peace Lily near our back door. Grabbing the wheel chair handles, I pulled the wheel chair backwards. Hanging onto the soil filled pot, she slipped out of the wheel chair onto the floor. She was not hurt and I felt a fool. Then I cleaned the floor of soil and pieces of lily. A portion of the lily now droops. Remembering the time I shook the wheel chair, frightening both her and myself, when I went to see the GP a few days ago to have my ears flushed out, I asked for a referral with an ongoing plan to regularly visit the clinical psychologist again this year. Without telling me why, the GP began asking me questions about being sad, depressed etc and my answers must have been confused until I realised he was giving me the once over to complete a form to justify him preparing the plan and when I checked the document later I think he has made me seem worse than I am. I don't mind, unless they lock me up, for the psychologist is the only person I speak to who doesn't refer to his own personal issues with interruptions about his own experiences (and of course I realise that he is "hired" not to interrupt in that way). And the outcome of these hourly appointments filled with my talking is a sense of relief and release on my part.
Why is Xmas so sad? For me anyway. I have little memory of actual Xmas days, only family events and some best forgotten, that happened in summer time. The one that always pops into my mind, and it may not even have been at Xmas, although the weather was hot, was winning a foot race at a Sunday School picnic behind the Lutheran church we attended after we escaped to Jindera. As a prize I was given a large blue handkerchief with a large blue square in its centre. I treasured that piece of fabric for years. for it was mine, identifiably mine, as well as the first handkerchief I had ever owned, for as kids we only ever wiped our snot onto squares of rag. This year we initiated no Xmas card mailings, responded with online cards (which we pay a subscription for) where possible and some that arrived without return addresses may not have been responded to, if I was unable to find an address easily enough.
New Year's Eve we went to bed early. Memories recalled of waiting tensed as Y2K rolled across NZ, then the east coast before it reached us on the west coast and I was relieved to be able to phone the public servant yobo I reported to that I had seen no reports of problems with DEC hardware or software. Twenty long years ago. On this New Year I learned that someone was disinterested in accepting responsibility for the care of my genealogy pursuits that I began way back in 1972. The fate of both online and offline records, quite a number of relevant books, certificates and notes are of concern to me for I fear the lot will be tipped into a dumpster.
Following our emergency on Xmas Day I decided on Friday 27th to increase her over night flow rate from 3.0 to 3.5 assuming that will reduce her "sleepiness" at 0730. Such a night rate seemed to cause wakefulness and dyskinesias during the night so at 0100 on 31st December I reduced the rate to 3.2 and this night rate has been maintained since then.
She is often drenched in sweat. One morning 3 nighties, the one worn over night, a replacement when replacing the duodopa cassette about 0630, and another when placed on the commode about 0730 all went into the washing basket. She still has to be encouraged to drink more fluids, and when she sweats a lot I pester her to drink a litre with two Hydralyte tablets. And she often eats ice blocks. Chewing and swallowing problems continue. She usually has several glasses of "smoothie" on most days, and into these I include a small tub of yoghurt and 3-4 scoops of Sustagen. Evening meals are usually frozen cottage pie meals from which she picks out peas, carrots and anything that may seem "lumpy" to her. Last night a slice of salmon (not grilled too firmly), grilled tomato and mashed spud was eaten readily. Last Friday only one small slice of a thin chicken pizza was eaten with difficulty.
A few weeks ago my right ear was too clogged for a scheduled hearing test. Last Wednesday both rears flushed and my left ear is infected again. Antibiotic drops, cancel hearing the test on Thursday and make another appointment. A "bump" on my left hand has been frozen.We all fall apart in different ways.
At 1028 my weather station says our outside temperature just clicked over 30 Celsius. I keep wondering when our turn will come with the fires.
I'm sure there are other scribbles from my notebook I should record here but enough is enough.
posted by Kilpike | 10:33 am
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